GO SOMEWHERE WARM.
Why can this save your life? You should have asked me that 3 hours ago when I was sitting in my car, which itself was sitting on top of 5 small trees and a collection of flattened shrubbery.
Allow me to explain. The last thing I had to do before I could leave for Spring Break was pack, but I eventually accomplished this (by throwing random clothes and essentials into a trash bag) and was ready to leave around 10:30 on Thursday night. This packing method and departure time are both stereotypical of me.
I called my Dad just so he would leave the door unlocked, but he said I should wait to come home because of a winter weather advisory. After a few minutes of in-depth research on weather.com and making sure my juvenile notions of indestructibility were intact, I decided to make the trip anyway.
Halfway through a 55mph triple axle, which my car was performing in front of a semi truck, I thought, “maybe Dad was right.” Out loud I said something along the lines of, “Eeeeeeeeeeeeshitshitshiteeeee“
Long story short, after I tried to get out from behind a semi’s tailwind of wintry doom, I spun around 3 times, flew down an embankment, flattened some saplings, and stopped when I finally confronted a tree with enough sense and size to not be knocked over. Since I had decided I was going to die some time between my car’s 2nd and 3rd rotations, it was strange when I suddenly stopped moving and didn’t see any hooded figure holding a scythe. Imagine my confusion when I looked up and saw a tree instead of pearly gates.
2 AAA tow trucks, 2 state troopers, 1 police dog, and 5 hours later, I finally arrived home in one piece, which is more than I can say for my car.
To make sure I didn’t try to teach my car any additional figure skating moves, I apparently needed more deterrents than thinking I was going to die or having to get my car repaired, because I was issued a citation for having the audacity to hit a sheet of ice and slide down an embankment. Yes, you read that correctly – I got a ticket. It’s called an accident, douchebag, not an onpurpose.
The trooper gave me a citation for “failing to control my vehicle”. Well trooper, you might as well slap me with another ticket for “failing to understand what the hell giving me a ticket is supposed to accomplish”, because I’m definitely guilty of that. It did successfully destroy any feelings of respect, faith, or trust I had in the law, though, so I guess it wasn’t useless.
Since the purpose of King of College is teach and inform, I hope you consider what you’ve just read when you’re deciding which lucky college you’ll be attending. This could have all been avoided if I would have only considered going to Loyola University in New Orleans more seriously. Ya, I would have had to deal with hurricane Katrina, but at least I wouldn’t get cited for “failure to control my house” if it blew away. Take it from me – unless you have some damn good reasons to do otherwise, pick a college as close to the equator as possible.
Tags: departure time, deterrents, embankment, figure skating, notions, pearly gates, police dog, red bull, rotations, saplings, scythe, semi truck, shrubbery, state troopers, tailwind, thursday night, tow trucks, trash bag, triple axle, winter weather
