I love this new Discovery Channel commercial.

Not only is the commercial very well done, but they manage to cram in a cameo from every Discovery Channel star I love. The list includes singing stints from:

The big cameos are from Mike Rowe, Bear Grylls, and Adam and Jamie from Mythbusters (Adam politely sets Jamie on fire while singing).

There are a few more appearances from some lesser-knowns, such as: a few fishy favorites from the Deadliest Catch, a flying Great White Shark you may remember from Planet Earth, and some chick with a hard-on for King Tut. My favorite, though, is definitely a singing…Stephen Hawking!

Here’s the (awesome) lyrics!:

I love the mountains
I love the clear blue skies
I love big bridges
I love when great whites fly.

I love the whole world
and all its sights and sounds

hoom-di-a-da X 4 (spelling?)

i love the ocean
i love the dirty things
i love to go fast
i love egyptian kings

i love the whole world
and all its craziness

hoom-di-a-da X 4

i love tornados
i love arachanid
i love hot magma
i love the giant squids

i love the whole world
it’s such a brilliant place.

hoom-di-a-da X 10

Decide which factors matter most to you.

If $$ is a major factor (like…if you’re broke, for instance), then you don’t need to waste your time researching schools with bad financial aid reputations or those artsy fartsy ones that cost $40,000 a year (+ fees, books, room & board, mandatory first-weekend keg, etc…). You need to find a school with either great financial aid/scholarship opportunities or one with tuition that’s more in your price range.

Money is just one of thousands of things you need to consider when deciding which college to attend; use your own unique top 3-5 factors to drastically narrow your pool of possibilities to a small group of colleges that are the perfect fit for you. Try to choose the factors that are make-or-break – use specific criteria that would make going to that college completely out the question for you – not just trivial preferences like an abundance of hot co-eds and a lax drinking policy. While these things can be important, the presence or absence of them shouldn’t be the big deal breakers.

For instance, don’t use the “Dining Hall food quality” as one of your main deciding factors; use something like “distance from home” if you don’t have a car, the money to fuel it, or if you absolutely hate making long trips. Ask yourself questions like “Do I care how well-known the college is?”, “What are my realistic chances of getting in?”, “Does the school even offer my major?”, etc.

Choose your Major

Did that last question scare you? If you haven’t already, you need to pick a major. Don’t freak out over it, but at this point in your life you should at least have an inkling of what you’d like to do. My advice would be to choose your major based on what makes you happy, NOT based on what promises the most money. Trust me – money follows happiness.

As a psychology major, I have read countless articles and research papers on quality of life and overall happiness. Whether you believe it or not, the facts speak for themselves, and the facts show that the happiest people, the ones that absolutely love their lives and feel truly fulfilled, are NOT the ones with the most money. They don’t mind getting up and going to “work”, and neither should you. It sounds cliché, but try to think of something you would continue to do even after you won the lottery and didn’t have to work ever again.

If you are the type of person who wants to attend the most prestigious college for your chosen major, the next obvious step would be to search for the colleges that rank highly for your major and create a list/spreadsheet of your top choices. Coming from the #1 ranked school for engineering will give you an edge if you plan to go on to graduate school or compete for an engineering job, but it’s not absolutely vital for your marketability as an employee. If you do really well in your classes and jump through all the other hoops to boost your résumé, even at a lower-ranked school, you should still do well in job searches and in graduate school.

Visit your top choices, if possible.

You’re thinking about spending 4+ years of your life at this place, don’t you think you should see if you can stay there for at least a few days? Call ahead of time and say you’re thinking about visiting, and ask about any visitor packages or opportunities. Almost every school has specific things they do for potential students, such as offering free lunches or giving free school apparel. I don’t know about you, but I’ll take pretty much anything as long as it’s free.

While you’re on the phone make sure to ask about tours or other special arrangements you can make as a visitor so you can learn as much about the school as possible. If you’re feeling frisky, some schools let potential students overnight with student hosts, which is a great way to experience a little of the college life you’d be living if you choose that college. Be warned, though – the students that sign up to be “hosts” aren’t always your typical students so don’t make your decision just on your experience with them. All the fun kids who have been caught for drinking or other debauchery are most likely discouraged/banned from signing up to host visitors, so don’t expect to be greeted with Jello shots and condoms when you walk into your hosts room.

In lieu of visiting, or in addition, e-mail current students of your favorite potential schools (look for any student listings with titles like “Student Ambassador” and the like on the school’s website). Once again, these students were probably chosen as student ambassadors because of their sterling reputation, so don’t expect them to be the “normal” student for that school. They should be good for all the basic questions you have, though, so you should utilize them. At the very least you should find some pictures of the campus and surrounding area to see if it meshes with your expectations and interests.

That’s it for now – we’ve barely scratched the surface so far so be sure to check back for upcoming parts to this series!

Ok, now the date you should actually start the application process is about 2-3 months before the date you chose, if not sooner. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a lifelong procrastinator; hell, I could write 100 articles on procrastination alone if I ever got around to it – but that fact does not make what I’m saying any less relevant.

Getting recommendations, writing entrance essays, and trying to compile a list of all your past employers and their contact info all take a ridiculously long time, so just do yourself a favor and pretend the due date for your application is far sooner than it actually is.

2. If your list of potential colleges is too long (10+), narrow it down so that you save time and money by not applying to colleges you aren’t considering as seriously as others.

Ask yourself if you really want to go there or you just put it on your list because you heard it had a large population of binge-drinking, hot coeds…

…actually, keep that one on the list.

3. It’s best to start an excel file or spreadsheet of your finalized potential colleges.

Put 1 college per line and then label the columns with things like “Application links”, “Due date”, “Tuition Cost”, etc…so you can compare all of your choices quickly and easily. Bookmarking any and every page you come across that has one shred of information on it will waste hours of your time and be hard to find when you need it.

Put the Excel file on your desktop and add info to it whenever you come across some aspect or characteristic by which you want to compare all of your potential colleges.

4. I’m kind of embarassed to admit this, but I chose my college using primarily www.princetonreview.com ratings and a few Google searches.

And I apparently disregarded what little research I did, because I still chose to go to the college whose dining hall was rated #1 on Princeton Review in the “Is it Food?” category, which meant I voluntarily chose to go to the college with the worst food in the country.

Write down or create a list in Word of the colleges that have a few of the top characteristics you’re looking for (size, student:faculty ration, location, academic prowess, etc). For instance, even though my college apparently had nasty food, it ranked highly in other areas I considered to be important, such as intramural activity participation and some certain social categories, which I decided were good enough to offset the occasional soggy slice of pizza.

In Applying to College, Part 2, we’ll discuss how you can find the right college for you by answering a few simple questions that put your college search in perspective. Look out for it in the next few days. Good luck and happy searching.

Oh, and by the way – it’s pronounced “Rah-men“. I don’t care if Iron Chef Morimoto himself told you it was “ray-man” – he’s wrong.

ra·men [rah-muhn]
–noun, Japanese Cookery.
1. a bowl of clear soup containing noodles, vegetables, and often bits of meat.

That’s from Dictionary.com, which I trust to settle most literary arguments. (I also reserve the right to disavow any support of Dictionary.com the instant it no longer supports my current argument, obviously.)

You might think I’m over exaggerating Ramen’s awesomeness, but, according to Wikipedia, instant Ramen was “named the greatest Japanese invention of the 20th century in a Japanese poll.” Well, I believe it; who cares about other 20th century inventions like the television, the microprocessor, the Internet or the personal computer. I’m pretty sure any invention pales in comparison to our eloquently simple Ramen Noodles. Has the television nourished millions of college students worldwide for pennies per serving?!? I think not!

You can even eat it without cooking it if you’re in a jam. You may cringe now, but you just wait until you come home Saturday night and are craving some MSG and 1560mg of sodium but don’t trust yourself to operate a stove. Have no fear! Rip that delectable block of squiggly goodness out of its package, generously sprinkle on some seasoning, and devour it like someone’s going to take it away from you. The satisfying crunch of the dry noodles coupled with the undiluted seasoning is really something to behold. I wouldn’t recommend the aforementioned nose/mouth party trick at this point though, unless you want to marinate noodle shards in your lungs or sinus cavity.

So why is Ramen bittersweet, you ask? Well, the fact that 1 packet of Ramen sells for about 2-10 cents (and there’s 2 servings in each pack!), you’ll be tempted to eat these carbtastic treats for every meal. This is fine if you’re looking to gain 10-30 pounds of pure jiggly in 2 months. You may also acquir the superpower of insecticidal urine, due to the potent cocktail of chemical preservatives and monosodium glutamate coursing through your body.

Possibly the bittersweetiest part of this whole situation, however, is that you now spend all of your leftover food money on rounds of drinks at the bar, or you develop a habit of buying a jug of vodka every week, which you can never really remember drinking but your liver pays for anyway. But look on the bright side – all the preservatives you ingested from the Ramen has probably coated your insides in something resembling latex, so your organs should be protected from aging or breaking down (…or functioning for that matter, but that’s irrelevant).

So until Ramen is categorized as an addictive substance, which I fully support, I urge you to be cognizant of how Ramen’s powers can be used for good as well as evil. A good way to assess whether or not you’re addicted is to write down the last 5 Ramen flavors you had; if Shrimp or Pork flavored Ramen is on the list, you’re obviously desperate and are eating any kind of Ramen you can regardless of taste. You’re addicted and the relapse rate is just about 100%, so my only advice at this point would be to invest in various colors and styles of pants with elastic waistbands – you’ll be needing them.

Why can this save your life? You should have asked me that 3 hours ago when I was sitting in my car, which itself was sitting on top of 5 small trees and a collection of flattened shrubbery.

Allow me to explain. The last thing I had to do before I could leave for Spring Break was pack, but I eventually accomplished this (by throwing random clothes and essentials into a trash bag) and was ready to leave around 10:30 on Thursday night. This packing method and departure time are both stereotypical of me.

I called my Dad just so he would leave the door unlocked, but he said I should wait to come home because of a winter weather advisory. After a few minutes of in-depth research on weather.com and making sure my juvenile notions of indestructibility were intact, I decided to make the trip anyway.

Halfway through a 55mph triple axle, which my car was performing in front of a semi truck, I thought, “maybe Dad was right.” Out loud I said something along the lines of, “Eeeeeeeeeeeeshitshitshiteeeee“

Long story short, after I tried to get out from behind a semi’s tailwind of wintry doom, I spun around 3 times, flew down an embankment, flattened some saplings, and stopped when I finally confronted a tree with enough sense and size to not be knocked over. Since I had decided I was going to die some time between my car’s 2nd and 3rd rotations, it was strange when I suddenly stopped moving and didn’t see any hooded figure holding a scythe. Imagine my confusion when I looked up and saw a tree instead of pearly gates.

2 AAA tow trucks, 2 state troopers, 1 police dog, and 5 hours later, I finally arrived home in one piece, which is more than I can say for my car.

To make sure I didn’t try to teach my car any additional figure skating moves, I apparently needed more deterrents than thinking I was going to die or having to get my car repaired, because I was issued a citation for having the audacity to hit a sheet of ice and slide down an embankment. Yes, you read that correctly – I got a ticket. It’s called an accident, douchebag, not an onpurpose.

The trooper gave me a citation for “failing to control my vehicle”. Well trooper, you might as well slap me with another ticket for “failing to understand what the hell giving me a ticket is supposed to accomplish”, because I’m definitely guilty of that. It did successfully destroy any feelings of respect, faith, or trust I had in the law, though, so I guess it wasn’t useless.

Since the purpose of King of College is teach and inform, I hope you consider what you’ve just read when you’re deciding which lucky college you’ll be attending. This could have all been avoided if I would have only considered going to Loyola University in New Orleans more seriously. Ya, I would have had to deal with hurricane Katrina, but at least I wouldn’t get cited for “failure to control my house” if it blew away. Take it from me – unless you have some damn good reasons to do otherwise, pick a college as close to the equator as possible.

1. It’s easier to sneak in a keg once a week than to sneak your dog in and out 4 times a day.

I’m guessing you aren’t allowed to have pets in the dorms, and your RA will find out if you get a dog. They’re bound to notice at least one time in 30 that you take him out to go to the bathroom, and then you’re stuck with a dog you can’t keep. It’s not really fair to you or the dog when you have to give him back after a week (if they’ll even take him). Imagine having to look at that sad puppy face when you put him back in the same cage you emancipated him from a week earlier. I can hear the whimpering now.

2. No animal on earth should be subjected to your college diet.

How do you expect to feed something every day when you are barely surviving on a mixture of Ramen, beer, and the free pizza you snag from club interest meetings? I also don’t believe dogs are fond of chicken wings (or at least their large intestine won’t be when it’s punctured by a swallowed bone shard).

3. A Bull Mastiff is the size of a horse, and 20 times as hyper.

I hope you’re considering a Chihuahua, because that’s the only thing you’ll be able to squeeze into the closet you call a dorm room. You already have to raise your bed with concrete blocks for the storage space, for god’s sake. Nothing that wants to move more than a few feet in any direction is going to be happy in there.

4. You’re a nomad, and you can’t pack a dog next to your socks.

You’re probably constantly traveling, be it a semester abroad in Italy or to Canada for the weekend. Believe it or not, a living animal will not take kindly to being packed in a suitcase. I’m guessing they also wouldn’t like going without food and water while you’re on Spring Break in Cancun.

And after you graduate (I’m wildly assuming your dog will live longer than 4 years), you’ll have to either move back home or find your own place. Either way, you’re in trouble. Even if you find an apartment that allows animals, you’ll probably end up paying more money for a crappier place, just so you can snuggle with Fido. Or if you move back home and your Mom is anything like mine, she’ll definitely find a way to get back at you for the carpet he’s likely to ruin and the pair of Louis Vuitton high heels he’s likely to eat. (Does Louis Vuitton even make high heels? I’m not sure. Ah, shut up, you get the point.)

5. They not only charge you to get your new friend’s testicles cut off, but they charge a lot.

If you’ve ever watched the Price is Right, you’ll probably want to get your dog spade or neutered. It may not even be your choice – if you’re planning on buying from a shelter or rescue center, the process is likely required by law. While there are some states and programs that offer low cost/free procedures, it’s more likely you’ll be shelling out a couple weekends worth of bar money to get it done ($50-$200).

That’s not the only vet bill. If you’ve watched Animal House or American Pie too many times, you’ll probably try to emulate your heroes by doing hilarious, collegey things, like giving your dog beer, but take a second to think about it; Fido isn’t too coordinated in the first place and he only weighs 20 pounds – I’m guessing you didn’t have the same manly tolerance you do now when you were 6 months old, and neither does Fido.

If you can argue that you did chug like a champ back then, I’m just impressed you learned to read. Anyway, if you’ve gone and gotten him drunk, he’ll probably make it out OK with just a doggy-hangover, but who knows? Maybe he fell down the stairs, or has a keg-stand accident, or wrecks your car driving you to the bar. A broken leg or bone for any reason, even if it’s for something as boring as falling off the counter, could cost anywhere from $150 – $2000 to fix. And no, paper mache will not work as a cheap alternative.

Bottom line: vets rarely do pro bono jobs, which means you can expect to pay a lot of money for just the typical expenses like shots and checkups, and then there are the times he eats your mechanical pencil or licks up some yummy antifreeze you left out. (Dogs are antifreeze junkies – keep it away from them!)

6. As far as I know, they don’t make diapers for dogs.

Even if you housetrain your dog, you can probably expect a nice smelly present in a shadowed corner or on your Geology book at least once a week. In my experience, our 4-legged friends like to let you know whose boss every once in a while by defecating on something. It always seems like they’re grinning while they watch you clean it up, too…

So if you’ve been convinced to not get a dog at college, I applaud your obviously restored ability to make sound judgments. With that being said…I still really want one. There’s nothing that takes your mind off exams like being greeted by a full-body tackle from your waggily friend who then licks your face so enthusiastically you’d think you used delicious antifreeze as aftershave. Oh, and one final piece of advice – if you can’t get a dog, don’t try to fabricate this wonderful canine home-coming ritual by making your roommate do it instead – for some reason, being tackled and lick-raped by your roommate when you come home is not as gratifying as a dog doing it.

I now have a page that shows a pseudo-random YouTube video every time you visit. YouTube selects which videos to show, based on my site’s content, so we can all hopefully avoid having to watch any more videos of feline tomfoolery.

Go ahead -Click here to watch a video chosen just for you!

SERIOUS WARNING: I hope that no one else is as stupid as us, but in case you’re out there, this is for you. In the original video, the girl almost choked to death, and my roommate had some problems too, so DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. By showing this video, I am not endorsing this act in any way, nor should you consider this video an inspiration to make your own reenactment or parody. If for any reason you disregard this warning, DO SO AT YOUR OWN RISK.

OK, now that I’ve covered my ass, enjoy!

OK, I lied. The only way that this first video changed my life is I now have something new and annoying to yell while my roommates are trying to do work. It did, however, save me from the gloom of after-bar boredom last weekend, and for that it should be recognized as great.

After wobbling back home from the bars, it was 2:00am and I was dangerously bored. Just before I resigned myself to sleep, my friend Tanya came to the rescue wielding YouTube videos and internet debauchery with the deftness of a seasoned procrastinator. This is the star of the videos Tanya entertained me with, and it might be my favorite funny video starring a frustrated toddler EVER . Ya it’s a small category, but it’s elite, man.

Warning: you may start yelling “BUH-LUD!” far too frequently to be funny and at inappropriate times. For instance, we couldn’t stop ourselves from yelling it with inebriated enthusiasm at anyone who came near us when we came across some idiot outside of a bar who had punched a window and was now bleeding everywhere. You’ll understand after you watch.

The next video will hopefully satisfy any lingering need you have to laugh at another toddler in turmoil. Although not as elegantly perfect as the first video’s catchphrase, “BUHLUD!“, I like to randomly use the second video’s catch phrase, “Charleh bit meh,” if I feel my current activity lacks an adequate amount of obscure online references.

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Aren’t you getting tired of doing the same thing every weekend? Ya, it’s fun at first but even the things you enjoy most can cause chaffing when overdone…

Let me venture a guess at what your Thursday, Friday, and/or Saturday nights look like, in order:

• Pre-pre-game at home (optional).
• Pre-game at home or neighbors’.
• Go to crowded party with a keg that was kicked 2 hours ago (but you still bought a cup).
• Go to crowded bar where it’s too loud to effectively talk to anyone, so your dreams of using your sweet new pickup lines to woo a girl into your bed are shattered.
  • You end up just dancing like an idiot after paying $20 on 3 beers and a thimble of Goldschlagger, which only succeeds in attracting girls who find seizures, dry humping, and cinnamon-scented men to be sexy.

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• And finally, you go to the only uncrowded place you’ve been to tonight – your bed.
• Rinse and repeat.

If you’re ready to try something different and dry hump free, read on, brave soul. Theme parties are growing in popularity and are a nice way to spice up your cookie cutter weekend, but why not take it to the next level? Instead of just putting on sunglasses and some gold chains for the “Pimps and Hoes” party, why not dress up like an idiot and be semi-sacreligious?!

Throw a fake wedding complete with twisty-tie rings and a toilet paper veil.

Who’s actually getting married is irrelevant. Use your unappreciated blow-up dolls for all I care. You aren’t doing this for the boring ceremony, you’re doing this for the same reason that people sit through the elaborate, organ-laden ritual in the first place – the Reception. What can be better than trying to figure out how to properly do the Chicken Dance while double-fisting champagne? I doubt you’ll dislike having a problem such as this.

The best part of a fake wedding: your creepy uncle isn’t making lewd comments to your new girlfriend, your aunt with the impossibly hairy mole isn’t making you dance every slow dance with her, and your mom isn’t drunk and telling you to get a real job! To make your fake wedding even more amazing, though, these fun family characters can be played by your wedding goers, and trust me, your fake mom won’t yell at you for having that 6th Jack and Coke…or for hitting on your hot fake cousin.